Irony Lost On Politician Announcing Immediate End To Virtue Signaling
WASHINGTON — Standing before an aggressively well-lit bank of cameras Tuesday morning, area politician Mark Ellison announced the immediate end of virtue signaling in American…
Trump Taps President Camacho to Deliver Next State of the Union
WASHINGTON — Acknowledging that the American political system has entered what aides privately describe as its “high-decibel phase,” President Donald Trump is reportedly preparing to…
Fetish Friday Promotion Attracting Entirely New Customer Base To Taco Stand
LOS ANGELES, CA — What began as a lighthearted attempt to boost foot traffic has spiraled into a marketing case study no one asked for,…
Man Can’t Stop Thinking About How Delicious Neighbor’s Cat Looks
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Daniel Whitaker, 43, reportedly spent another sleepless night this week battling with one relentless thought: just how mouthwateringly delicious his…
Perv Pillow Spends Most of Night Sniffing Woman’s Hair
In a disturbing revelation that has left both experts and bedding manufacturers unsettled, sources confirmed Thursday that a local pillow spent the majority of the…
Couple Willing To Include Gimp In Home Sale For The Right Price
BOULDER, CO — In a move that realtors are calling “unorthodox but technically legal,” a Boulder couple has announced they are open to including their…
Snail’s Shell No Match for Dickish Kid’s Sneaker
A neighborhood snail’s centuries-old evolutionary defense strategy proved completely useless Friday afternoon after it encountered the sneaker of a local child described by witnesses as…
Scientists Horrified To Discover Tap Water Contains Nearly Twice as Much Hydrogen as Oxygen
A new federally funded study has sent shockwaves through the scientific community after researchers revealed that U.S. tap water contains nearly double the amount of…
Cheerful Throw Pillow Really Livens Up Local Meth Den
SPOKANE, WA— Residents of a local methamphetamine lab confirmed Friday that a single throw pillow has dramatically brightened the otherwise bleak space, though only in…
Study Reveals 72% Believe Dinosaurs Went Extinct After Losing Revolutionary War
A new survey has revealed a stunning historical misconception: nearly three-quarters of American adults believe dinosaurs went extinct not due to an asteroid, but because…
Lonely Man’s Friday Evening Begins With Delightful Excavation of Belly Button
Local man Dennis Krawitz, 34, reported that his Friday night began “on a surprisingly high note” after he launched into what he described as a…
Unicorn Frustrated No One Sees It’s Just Donkey With Massive Tumor
Despite centuries of breathless folklore, breath mint commercials, and poorly-thought-out tattoos, the world’s most beloved magical creature confirmed Thursday that it is, in fact, nothing…
Amateur Porn Site Best Way to Learn About New Neighbors
Local residents report that a recently discovered amateur porn site has quickly become the most efficient way to learn about the personal lives of those…
Bird Desperately Searching For Your Car Can’t Hold It Much Longer
A small neighborhood bird has reportedly been circling the area for nearly 20 minutes, struggling to locate your specific car before its bowels inevitably betray…
In Stunning Development, Lamborghini Owner Also Packing Horsepower Below The Belt
Defying decades of crude cultural assumptions, local businessman and Lamborghini enthusiast Trevor Haskins has been confirmed to possess, in medical terms, “an absolutely unreasonable penis.”…
The Fried Ocean Digest
Well-seasoned, slightly burnt content served straight to your inbox.
Father Shares Favorite Song With Son, Insists It Only Slaps When You’re Blackout Drunk
Local father Greg Walters proudly shared his all-time favorite rock anthem with his 13-year-old son on Friday night, insisting between sips of whiskey that the…
Time Traveler’s Dream of Riding Dinosaur Ends in Bloody Pulp
A man who spent his life building a time machine for the sole purpose of riding a dinosaur finally achieved his dream Thursday, only to…
Exciting New Tech Company Funnels Majority of World’s Sadness Directly to Your Phone
A promising Silicon Valley startup announced Thursday that it has successfully engineered a way to concentrate the majority of the world’s sadness and funnel it…
Sneaky Goldfish Remembers Everything
The Smiths once believed their goldfish, Mister Bubbles, was a harmless $8 pet from PetSmart. What they didn’t realize: he’s been silently recording five years…
Dating Apps Proudly Announce 8 Billion Matches, 7.9 Billion Ghostings
Silicon Valley, CA — Leading dating platforms today announced with great pride that they have facilitated over 8 billion matches worldwide, immediately clarifying that 7.9…
Olympic Committee Admits Curling Was Just a Dare That Got Out of Hand
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — After decades of pretending otherwise, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) finally admitted today that curling—the sport involving brooms, ice, and what appear…
U.S. Navy Proudly Launches $400 Billion Submarine That Immediately Sinks, as Designed
NORFOLK, VA — In a lavish ceremony complete with fireworks, military bands, and a champagne bottle swung with the force of a thousand taxpayer dollars,…
Study: 72% of Adults Convinced Shakespeare Invented Electricity
LONDON— A groundbreaking new survey released Thursday reveals that 72% of adults firmly believe William Shakespeare invented electricity, with many respondents citing his “spark of…
Army Accidentally Invents World’s Deadliest Fidget Spinner
PENTAGON — What began as an innocent attempt to “boost morale during boring briefings” has spun wildly out of control. The U.S. Army confirmed Tuesday…
Earth Day Committee Accidentally Plants 2 Billion Invasive Species Trees
WASHINGTON, D.C. — What was meant to be the largest tree-planting initiative in human history has spiraled into what ecologists are calling “a biodiverse apocalypse…
Census Bureau Asks Nation to Please Stop Writing ‘Your Mom’ in Gender Box
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an urgent statement released Monday, the U.S. Census Bureau pleaded with Americans to stop entering “Your Mom” in the gender field…
Hell Announces Massive Surplus of Torture Devices After Humanity Invents Twitter
HELL — Citing an unexpected redundancy in its centuries-old operations, Hell officials confirmed Thursday that a massive surplus of torture devices has accumulated in the…
Study: Ancient Romans Regretted Spending Entire GDP on Fountains After Coin-Toss Revenue Stream Never Materialized
ROME — A new study released this week by the Institute for Misguided Economics confirmed that Ancient Romans expressed deep regret over spending their entire…
Bees Demand Compensation for Centuries of Unpaid Pollination Internship
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After what they describe as “hundreds of years of systemic exploitation,” a coalition of bees has formally demanded financial compensation for centuries…
Convicted Molester Exacts Revenge With Damning 2-Star Review of Courthouse
FRESNO, CA — In what legal experts are calling “a bold use of the First Amendment,” a recently convicted molester has reportedly exacted his revenge…
Romance Awkwardly Interrupted When Man Realizes He’s Still Wearing Condom From Earlier Date
CHICAGO, IL — A romantic evening reportedly ended in chaos Friday after Adam Fletcher, 32, bolted from his partner’s bedroom in what witnesses describe as…
Man Awakes From Wet Dream to Find Most of the Other Airplane Passengers Staring at Him
DALLAS, TX — Midway through American Airlines flight 274 from Denver to Dallas, passenger Craig Simmons reportedly awoke from an intense wet dream only to…
Piñata of Family Pet Surprisingly Traumatic for Child
AUSTIN, TX — A birthday party for 8-year-old Mason Burke took an unexpected turn Saturday after a papier-mâché piñata modeled after the family’s dog, Buddy,…
Grade School Birthday Party Ends in Shame After Kids Can’t Finish Keg
DES MOINES, IA — What was supposed to be a lighthearted 9th birthday celebration turned into a humiliating spectacle Saturday when a group of fourth…
Errant Erection Causes Man to Lose Babysitting Gig
Local babysitter Daniel Griggs, 27, confirmed Tuesday that his brief career in child care ended abruptly after what he described as an “unprovoked, medically confusing,…
Man Smuggling Candy in Anus Highly Overestimates Movie Theater Security
CLEVELAND, OH — Convinced he was about to outsmart a labyrinth of surveillance and pat-downs, local man Brian Keller walked into a multiplex Friday with…
Man Politely Waits Until After Taking Sacrament To Adjust His Testicles
ST. LOUIS, MO — Displaying a restraint rarely seen in modern pews, local churchgoer Kevin Dalton, 43, reportedly held off on relieving a persistent itch…
Father’s Encouraging Words Confirms to Child That He’s a Raging Asshole
PASADENA, CA — What began as a brief moment of fatherly encouragement reportedly ended in confirmation Thursday that local dad Greg Stanton is, in fact,…
Dipshit Conspiracy Theorist Actually Believes in Germs
SEDONA, AZ — In a shocking admission that has left both conspiracy groups and ordinary citizens unsettled, local man Dennis Howard confessed this week that…
Horny College Student Taking a Very, Very Long Shower
CAMPUS RESIDENCE HALL — Sophomore Tyler Manning reportedly entered the communal shower around 2:15 p.m. Thursday and, according to multiple eyewitnesses and steam-related trauma victims,…
Amish Themed Porn Site Off To Sluggish Start
LANCASTER COUNTY, PA — What began as a bold experiment in niche adult entertainment is already facing performance issues. Sources confirm that Barnyard Desires, the…
Brothel’s BOGO Promotion Exceeding Expectations
In what industry experts are calling “a masterclass in vertical integration,” a local brothel’s limited-time “Buy One, Get One” promotion has reportedly exceeded every sales…
Overweight Dog Deeply Concerned by Owner’s Salivating Stare
PORTLAND, OR — Local Labrador retriever Biscuit has grown increasingly uneasy in recent weeks after noticing what he describes as “an unsettling glint” in his…
Severed Head Surprisingly Effective at Keeping Refrigerated Vegetables Crisp
In a discovery hailed as both “deeply disturbing” and “weirdly practical,” local homemaker Sharon DeWitt reported yesterday that a severed human head has been keeping…
Study: Bed Bugs Powerful Tool for Those Trying to Remain Abstinent
In a surprising twist on public health strategy, researchers at the National Institute of Behavioral Discipline have identified bed bug infestations as “one of the…
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